Transcript

[00:00:00] Cee The Sex Lady: What hope is there for me to have a happy and successful relationship? It's important to know that earned secure attachment is possible. So what in the world is that? Earned secure attachment is when a person experiences early insecure attachment that eventually becomes secure through later healthy relationships.

[00:00:22] So maybe as a child, they were more anxiously or avoidantly attached because of the dynamics that they were witnessing or experiencing with their caregivers. You know, with those attachment figures. And later on they get to experience some really healthy and supportive friendships or partnerships or, you know, relationships with neighbors, coworkers, whoever those attachment figures may become and get to know that, yeah, I actually am worthy of being treated well.

[00:00:49] And there are people in this world who I can trust to treat me well.

[00:01:38] Hi, and welcome to From the Heart Side Out a show where we dive deep into the real conversations about relationships, intimacy, and mental health. I'm Cee The Sex Lady, your guide through these rich and sometimes challenging waters. Whether you're here to nurture your personal growth or seeking professional insight, this space is for you.

[00:01:59] If you enjoy today's episode, be sure to subscribe and share with a friend. Head to the show notes for any resources mentioned and for more information about connecting with me or our guest, have a question you'd like answered on the show or just want to say hi? Email me at podcast at cee the sex lady.com.

[00:02:18] I'd love to hear from you.

[00:02:20] Let's get started. Welcome to From The Heart Side Out. I'm your host, Cee The Sex Lady, A Sex and Relationships therapist and educator, and I'm so excited to be here with you to spend some time chatting with you.

[00:02:35] Today's episode is all about understanding attachment theory and attachment styles.

[00:02:41] Now, attachment styles is one of those buzzwords that I've heard kind of tossed around a lot here lately. I just wanna take some time to break down what attachment styles really are, give you some background information about attachment theory, and talk a little bit about how these concepts might apply to you, apply to your relationships, all that good stuff.

[00:03:00] As always, our episodes begin with our segment called Sex Ed you Wish You had, and I just wanna share a little fun fact with you. So we're talking about attachment, we're talking about attachment styles. Most of the time we think about that in the context of romantic relationships, how you're interacting with other people, potential partners, that sort of thing.

[00:03:19] Did you know that your attachment style can also be reflected in how you approach sex? And so the same kind of patterns or tendencies that you might notice when you're thinking about dating or you know, again, how you interact with your partner or potential partners can absolutely be reflected in how you interact in sexual settings as well.

[00:03:38] All the more reason why it's helpful to spend some time learning more and going a little bit more in depth about attachment styles and attachment theory. So to give you a little bit of background in terms of. Why is this something that's even worth talking about? Why is this something that we care about or that has become so popular or so much of a buzzword here in these last couple of years?

[00:03:58] And the reason why is because throughout history and and evolution, humans have discovered that we thrive best when we're in community with other people. And therefore, again, throughout evolution, we developed an internal attachment system. I'm going to say the word attachment a hundred thousand times, so it's probably a good idea to know what exactly I mean, or what I'm talking about when I say that.

[00:04:22] So we can define attachment for our purposes as a deep and enduring emotional bond or connection between two people which each person seeks closeness and feels more secure in the presence of the other person. And so again, it's about this deep, this enduring emotional bond or connection between people.

[00:04:43] We're seeking that closeness and we feel more safe again. We've learned throughout history that we are more safe and we thrive and we just do better when we're in connection and in community with other people. so we developed this attachment system. The purpose of that attachment [00:05:00] system is to keep us safe from any threats or harm or danger.

[00:05:04] It helps us regulate our emotions as well, and it just helps us find safety and security, particularly when we're stressed or again, under any sort of threat or even perceived threat. So those that stress can be internal. Maybe we're hungry, we're tired, we don't feel good, right? All of those things can create some internal stress, or it can be external as well, such as there's some sort of threat in our environment.

[00:05:30] We feel like we're in danger. I always use the example of being chased by a lion. That is going to trigger some stress for everyone, I imagine being chased by a lion. And so we can feel that way, literally because we're being chased by a lion, or even emotionally, you know, maybe we're worried about our relationship and is it gonna be successful, and all those sorts of things for our brain and our body, it can feel just the same and just as scary as being chased by a lion because again, those threats, that stress can be internal or external, but our brain and body tends to respond to them the same way.

[00:06:05] The more extreme the stress is that we're under, or that we perceive ourselves to be under, the more intensely we activate that attachment system. What we've also learned through a lot of science and research is that our attachment system is more easily activated during the first five or so years of our life.

[00:06:24] And if you think about it, it's a very vulnerable time. You know, we're very dependent on our caregivers, and so it makes sense that if we know that being connected to other people helps us feel safe, it helps us feel more secure, it's essential for our survival. That is a really critical period of time in our life when we literally need other people to keep us alive and keep us safe.

[00:06:46] So now we got some of the, the gist, some of the general information. I wanna dive a little bit more into how attachment theory originated, and again, where a lot of this research starts. So, John Bowlby is often credited as kind of beginning the research or, or really contributing significantly to the research about attachment theory.

[00:07:05] He did that by studying infants who had been separated from their parents, and what he noticed is that when infants were separated from their parents, they would engage in what we call attachment behaviors, that, that may look like crying, uh, visually searching for their parents or their caregivers, or even clinging to their parents and caregivers.

[00:07:25] Those attachment behaviors, the goal of them is to either avoid separation in the first place. Or to reestablish some closeness and connection once you're reunited with what we call an attachment figure. An attachment figure is essentially a person who provides support, protection, and care. So Bowlby observed that when infants were separated from their caregiver, from their attachment figure, they would engage in these attachment behaviors.

[00:07:53] Again, crying, searching for them, clinging to them to either avoid that separation from happening or to reestablish that connection once they were reunited, and it makes sense. Because as we know, infants are reliant on their caregivers. Like they literally depend on them to keep them safe and alive. And so they recognize very early, very young, very innately really that proximity closeness to their attachment figure, closeness to their parents or caregivers equals a better chance for survival.

[00:08:24] And that's where we develop this attachment behavior system, this system for engaging in these behaviors that, again help us avoid separation from our attachment figure or reestablish that closeness and connection. When we're reunited for an infant, they are essentially asking three things of their attachment figure.

[00:08:44] Are they nearby? Are they accessible to me, and are they attentive to me? If the answer to those questions is yes, then the infant feels loved, feels safe, feels secure, and even feels confident enough to explore their environment and socialize because they know the person who keeps me alive. The person who protects me, who keeps me safe, who cares for me, is nearby, they are accessible to me and they are attentive to me. So if I need something, all I have to do is activate one of these attachment behaviors and they will check on me and, and help keep me safe. So yeah, I can venture out and try walking or crawling or eat this random thing off the ground because the people who are keeping me safe are going to do that.

[00:09:27] Now if the answer to is my attachment figure nearby, accessible and attentive is no, then it creates some feelings of insecurity and anxiety and they may engage in some attachment behaviors as well, such as searching, you know, looking for their attachment figure until they feel connected or until they just feel so worn down in, in more extreme circumstances of I just can't make a connection with my attachment figure. I'm trying. I'm doing all of the things and nothing is seen to work. They're not really nearby, attentive [00:10:00] or accessible to me. So other researchers, like Ainsworth for example, built upon this research by studying what are some of the individual differences and how attachment patterns and behaviors are developed.

[00:10:12] So we know in general that infants display these attachment behaviors. Develop this attachment system. But what does that look like individually? Because if we have a hundred infants, are they all gonna do the same thing? Are there some commonalities or some differences in how they engage in this? So this is what the next, uh, stage of research really focused on, and this was conducted or explored through what's known as the strange situation Experiment.

[00:10:37] So 12 month olds and their parents were separated and then reunited. And the research in this situation really described two kind of general, you could think of them as like umbrella reactions or patterns. The first came to be called secure, a secure reaction. So the infant, the 12 month old, experienced some slight distress when they were separated from their attachment figure, but also were able to seek and receive comfort when they were reunited with their attachment figure, and that helped them settle down.

[00:11:08] So it was like, yeah, this person who's keeping me alive and safe is not nearby. However, when we're reunited, whew, I feel much better. I'm able to be comforted and, and kind of settle down. The other general or umbrella pattern or reaction became insecure or was described as insecure. And this is when those experiencing more intense distress, and even that looked a couple of different ways.

[00:11:34] And so we developed the terminology of anxious resistant reactions. Those were infants who were hard to soothe. Even when they were reunited with their attachment figure. It almost came across as if they wanted to punish the parent for separating from them. So it's like, I'm not gonna make it easy. For you when we are reunited, because I want you to know how upsetting and distressing this was for me, because again, the whole goal of these attachment behaviors is to either prevent separation in the first place or reestablish connection.

[00:12:05] And so if a parent knows, oh my goodness, it's gonna be such a hassle when we get reunited, maybe I just shouldn't even leave them in the first place. At least that's what the infant is hoping their parent is thinking. When they're displaying that kind of anxious resistant patterns, it means that they're anxious when separated and resistant to reconnect.

[00:12:24] The researchers also notice an avoidance pattern, and so this is for infants who appear to demonstrate low distress when they were separated and when they were reunited. They didn't actively seek comfort from their attachment figure, and so this looks like, oh, I'm not really worried or bothered. Even if internally they were, and when reunited with their parent, it was kind of like, oh, okay, you're here, you're back.

[00:12:49] Cool. I guess like right. Just didn't seem very engaged or very interested. They weren't actively seeking that comfort. And then there was a pattern observed called disorganized. So this has been, the child instinctively seeks comfort from their attachment figure because they understand that this attachment figure is necessary for my survival.

[00:13:08] Perhaps that child is met with neglect or abuse. It creates damage in their trust in that attachment figure and can cause a lot of fear because now the child is both wanting for connection and they're afraid of that source for connection. So they recognize you are essential to my survival. I literally need you to live and to thrive.

[00:13:31] And sometimes that care or protection comes at the cost of violence or abuse or neglect. So I need you to live, and I don't know that I can count on you to live. I want this connection with you because I know that it's important and I've learned that I can't rely on this connection with you. I'm afraid to want you, are afraid to need you and I can't help but want you or need you because I'm literally wired that way. It can create some uncertainty for that child about if their needs will be met, when their needs will be met, all those sorts of things, which can cause them to display some characteristics of both anxiety and avoidance.

[00:14:14] So there may be times where it's like, oh my gosh, how could you leave me? When are you coming back? Are you coming back? And, well, I don't really care if you leave. You always leave. I'm not surprised and I'm not really bothered by it, and so that's why it's called disorganized because it doesn't follow any one particular pattern.

[00:14:31] It kind of blends the anxious resistant and those avoidant patterns. The researchers in this stage concluded that these. These differences and the reactions were related to interactions between the infants and their attachment figure during their first 12 months of life. So attachment figures or parents who were very responsive, created those secure patterns, those secure reactions.

[00:14:55] Again, yeah, maybe I'm a little nervous when you leave or when we're [00:15:00] separated, but also I know that I can get some comfort from you when we're reunited. Caregivers who were unresponsive or inconsistent, that led to those more insecure patterns of attachment and connection in those infants. Whether it was more anxious, more avoidance, or dis disorganized, a combination of the two.

[00:15:20] So again, we're still studying, we're still researching, we're still learning, and we, we have some additional researchers who say, Hmm, I wonder how this applies to adults. Again, a lot of the early research really focused on infants and their relationships and their interactions with. Their caregivers. And so we had some researchers who wanted to build upon that and explore what does this look like in adults and in those dynamics.

[00:15:44] Well, hazing and shaver, two more researchers concluded that the same motivational system that operates in infants, again, seeking that closeness, seeking that attachment, it also exists in adults. And as we grow older our attachment figure shifts to other roles, so it shifts from our parents or caregivers and eventually looks more like romantic partners.

[00:16:09] And so again, that same motivation of I want to be close to you asking those questions, are you nearby? Are you accessible to me? Are you attentive or engaged with me? We're asking those same questions as adults to the people that we're partnered with or want to be partnered with.

[00:16:28] Some of the similarities that the researchers found between infant and adult attachment is one: both infants and adults feel safer when their attachment figure is near and accessible. Both infants and adults also engage in close, intimate body contact or connection in order to foster that closeness. So we may be snuggling up for a nap as an infant. It may be holding hands or sex as adults with our partners.

[00:16:57] Essentially those intimate body connections is still a a way of fostering that attachment, whether we're an infant or an adult. Both infants and adults also feel insecure when their attachment figure is inaccessible. So it could literally mean, I'm trying to get in touch with you and you don't seem to be responding to me.

[00:17:18] I don't seem to be able to, to share things with you or ask questions of you. Those sorts of things. It can create those feelings of insecurity and we can react in those ways similar to infants. They also notice similar patterns of attachment, similar reactions when separated, or there's some sort of disconnect between adults and their attachment figures.

[00:17:41] For example, they notice a secure pattern, which is feeling confident that they will be cared for. Open to a model of interdependence, so leaning on others and being leaned on, feeling comfortable with depending on other people and other people depending on them. That's essentially what that interdependence means, and that responsiveness from partners encourages safe exploration knowing that you have someone in your corner cheering you on and is supportive of you, encourages adults to go after their dreams to try new things in the same way that that support and responsiveness from parents encourages infants to, yeah, try to take a step. Yeah, try crawling whatever the case may be, because this person that loves you, that protects you and that cares for you is nearby, they're accessible and they're paying attention to you. So they'll be there and they will know if you need anything.

[00:18:35] The second pattern that they observed, again, if thinking about that anxious resistant pattern in infants, there was also some of that anxiety observed in adults. So this may look like worrying about being loved completely and easily upset when their attachment needs aren't met. So those questions of, is anybody really going to love me? Are they gonna love me for me? Am I good enough? Am I worthy? Can I really have this relationship that I desire? Am I just going to ruin it all and mess it up? They feel really easily upset when their attachment needs aren't met because again, we come to recognize that I thrive, I do better.

[00:19:14] I am safer when I'm connected to this attachment figure. When we're able to meet each other's needs, and so when it looks like that's not happening, I'm not getting the emotional support I need, I'm not getting the encouragement that I need, it becomes really upsetting and really frustrating because it's almost like saying, I'm not going to get the food that I need, and I know you're probably like, okay.

[00:19:37] Compliments and affirmation is not like food. It is not essential to survive. But remember I said what we're experiencing physically and what we're experiencing emotionally, our bodies and our brains don't make that distinction. And so that lack of affection, that lack of romance can absolutely to you or to your partner.

[00:19:59] If [00:20:00] they are more anxious, it can absolutely feel like i'm not getting the sustenance that I need. I'm not getting what I need to live and to thrive. Okay? They also observed that pattern of avoidance, and so this is folks who may appear not to care for close connections, and maybe they prefer to avoid depending on others or avoid having others depend on them.

[00:20:23] Now, the keyword here is appear. Just, just because it seems like they don't care, just because it seems like they don't value relationships or closeness. It doesn't necessarily mean that that's the case. It's almost like, do I really wanna get my hopes up? Do I really want to be so vulnerable in this way, not knowing if the person that I'm trusting with, that vulnerability is going to come through for me.

[00:20:45] If they're going to show up for me, am I going to be left hurt, disappointed, neglected again? Am I going to be met with? Abuse or violence or mistreatment in some way? Am I going to just be ignored because that's not gonna feel so great either? You know what? It'll just be easier if I don't even give anyone the opportunity to hurt me in this way.

[00:21:08] So why is this important in relationships? Knowing about these patterns, knowing how attachment shows up and what it means to us, what it looks like for us is really important because one adult attachment patterns are at least partially influenced by the experiences that folks have with their caregivers as children.

[00:21:29] Because those experiences shape and form what we call mental models. So think of that as your beliefs, your values, your expectations, those unspoken quote unquote rules that you have about yourself. About other people and about relationships. So if you have a caregiver or a parent who is very responsive to your needs, they show up, they come through all of those things, it lets you know that I am worthy of those things.

[00:21:56] I am worthy of someone showing up for me. I can expect that from other people. And I am likely to receive that from other people. Can also let you know that this is what it means to care about someone, to want to be in relationship with them, is to show up, to be supportive, to encourage them, those sorts of things.

[00:22:14] If you are having experiences as a child where your caregivers are either unresponsive or inconsistent. It again, creates some ideas, some beliefs, values and expectations about how you see yourself, other people and relationships. Maybe you question, well, if I was really such a, if I was a better child, would my parent be more responsive or more caring for me?

[00:22:40] If I was more deserving of love and care, maybe they would've given that to me easier. And if I can't get that for my parent, if I don't deserve that for my parents, then surely. I don't deserve that from anyone else, or surely I can't expect that from anyone else. And again, it can lead to that anxiety, that questioning about worth and value, all of those things or that avoidance, it isn't even safe to want or to desire closeness with other people.

[00:23:09] For example, securely attached, people may seek out responsiveness in partners. Insecurely attached people may seek out avoidance or anxiety in their partners, and that's why even though everyone wants a securely attached partner or a securely attached relationship, everyone isn't necessarily in one because.

[00:23:30] We seek out relationships that are consistent with what we expect, what we believe about ourself, and those unspoken rules that we carry about ourselves, about others, and about relationships. So those individual differences and how people react, how they engage. It all influences the overall dynamic and security of the relationship.

[00:23:53] If one of us is more anxious and the other of us is more avoidant, that's going to influence how we engage with each other. If one of us is secure or if both of us are very secure, then we may be likely to engage in secure and safe haven behaviors, like exploring more things together because we have this ultimate safety in our relationship.

[00:24:16] If one of us is more prone to high attachment related anxiety, that may show up as worrying, worrying and questioning, is my partner accessible to me? Are they responsive to me? Are they engaged with me? And it can even lead to some very inaccurate, potentially assumptions about your partners, particularly during conflict that kind of exacerbate those.

[00:24:43] Insecurities instead of alleviating them. Because again, if you're already prone to more attachment anxiety, you're already having those questions of, am I worthy? Am I deserving? Can I have this relationship that I desire? Whenever there's any kind of rupture or disconnection between you and your partner, [00:25:00] your default is going to be.

[00:25:02] To question those things even more. Really, what you might be looking for is some reassurance and some affirmation and some comfort, but again, we don't always do what we want to do or what we know would be the most helpful. We do what we know. If we're prone to more avoidance, especially more attachment related avoidance, that might show up as a preference not to open up to your partner or not to rely on other people.

[00:25:27] We might engage in defense mechanisms to downplay any feelings of vulnerability. It might be less likely to engage in those attachment behaviors, those comforting behaviors, because again, it doesn't feel safe to. Allow yourself to be vulnerable and trust someone and depend on someone. It's ultimately about keeping yourself safe.

[00:25:50] That's the goal. So that's a little bit about attachment theory and the history of attachment theory.

[00:25:55] So now let's talk a little bit more about attachment styles, particularly as it relates to shows up for adult attachment styles are defined or characterized by the levels of attachment related anxiety.

[00:26:07] So again, that worry about is my partner accessible, responsive, and engaged with me. Avoidance. So that tendency to kind of minimize your attachment needs. So when we compare that level of anxiety and that level of avoidance, that kind of lets us know where our attachment style, uh, kind of lands or falls.

[00:26:26] So for a secure attachment, some of the characteristics of that is low, both anxiety and avoidant. It leads to a positive view of yourself and of other people, and it's developed through consistent accessibility, responsiveness, and engagement from your caregivers, and then from your partners. It's also characterized by confidence, comfort with the idea of interdependence, and a willingness to explore and socialize with others.

[00:26:56] It also can include comfort with expressing your emotions very openly and vulnerably, and the ability to enjoy closeness while also not being afraid to be alone. Because again, yes, maybe I'm alone temporarily, but my attachment figure, I do know that they are accessible, they are responsive, and they are engaged with me.

[00:27:17] So then we have what's known as anxious attachment. So this could also be called preoccupied attachment. This is when someone has really high attachment related anxiety and low avoidance. It typically comes with a negative self view, but a positive view of others. So it may look like or sound like I'm unworthy of love, I'm unworthy of successful or happy relationship, but others, it's not them.

[00:27:45] Like everyone else is great and wonderful and would be a great and wonderful partner if only I wasn't the way that I am, or if only I was more deserving, or if only I didn't think like this or do that, those sorts of things. The ultimate fear for someone with this high attachment anxiety is being abandoned.

[00:28:05] It is those questions of are you accessible and responsive and engaged with me that the answer to that one day will become no. That is because they've experienced that no, from their attachment figures in the past. Whether that was attachment figures who were unresponsive to their needs or who were inconsistent.

[00:28:26] Sometimes their attachment figure was engaged and sometimes they weren't. Sometimes they were responsive, sometimes they weren't, and maybe it was really unpredictable. So it leads to that worry or that questioning. Is this gonna be one of those times that you're there for me or not? It's characterized by that worry of being loved and that that questioning again, of the availability, the responsiveness, and the engagement of attachment figures.

[00:28:54] So someone who tends to be a little more anxiously attached might engage in behaviors that reduce the likelihood of separation. Or they may need additional reassurance upon reunification. Again, those attachment behaviors, their goal is to either prevent separation in the first place or provide comfort whenever you are reunited with that caregiver or that attachment figure, including in a romantic relationship.

[00:29:22] So for folks who are more avoidant, and we could really break this down into dismissive, avoidant, or fearful avoidance. So I'll start with dismissive avoidance. This is folks who have a positive view of themselves, but a negative view of others. So maybe they recognize I am deserving of love and care and affection and healthy relationships, but I can't count on or rely on other people to do that for me.

[00:29:47] And so it leads to prioritizing being independent as opposed to interdependent and making sure that they don't need anyone else, that they don't need connection with others. Again, it can be very [00:30:00] counterintuitive because we've learned throughout evolution that humans actually do better and thrive better in connection with others.

[00:30:06] But again, someone who is more dismissive avoidant is going to prioritize reducing or minimizing that need for other folks as much as they possibly can. Someone who is dismissive of what, it may also reject any form of emotional intimacy. They may withdraw from relationships if their partner appears too dependent on them or too needy, because again, it's like I don't wanna depend on you and I don't want you to depend on me.

[00:30:33] That trust isn't really there for that. This develops when someone has low anxiety, low attachment anxiety, and high attachment avoidance. Again, they're likely to downplay their connection needs, and it's also observed in research that folks who are more dismissive, avoidant. Can find it easier to turn off their distress response and appear not to care about being separated from their attachment figure or any type of rupture and the connection with their attachment figure.

[00:31:04] Again, the key word here is appear because just like, just because that's how it looks on the surface doesn't mean that that's how they're really feeling on the inside. So then we get into fearful avoidant, another form of avoidant attachment. And this has when folks have both high attachment anxiety and high at attachments.

[00:31:25] Avoidance. And so this is the adult version of that disorganized attachment that we saw in childhood or in the studies with with children. This is a negative view of self and others. I am undeserving of love and affection and healthy relationships. And I wouldn't be able to rely or count on anyone else to provide that for me anyway.

[00:31:47] Folks who are more fearful avoidant can appear to reject all forms of emotional intimacy. And it's not that they just want to reject it, it's that they're actually afraid of it. This intimacy, this closeness may have come at a cost. It may have been inconsistent, it may have even just been outright absent in their past. Again, if I am seeking attachment with my parent or caregiver because I know that's essential for my survival and that attachment comes at the risk of violence or neglect, or I reach out for them, I reach out for them, I reach out for them, and they ignore me and shut me down all the time.

[00:32:24] It can develop that disorganized attachment in childhood and that could lead to fearful avoidant attachment in adulthood. Fearful avoidant folks may find it harder to turn off that stress response when they're separated for their, from their attachment figure. And they can also really struggle with identifying and regulating their emotions because we use our attachment figures, whether we're child or as an adult.

[00:32:50] To help us with that regulation to help us co-regulate. Again, we're looking to the people that we are in community with to know, am I safe? Am I okay? You ever know? Notice that when a baby or a small child falls and all the adults around are like, don't freak out. Don't scream. If you scream, they're gonna scream.

[00:33:11] And you notice that babies look to their parents, they look to their caregivers to see how should I react in this situation? And so fearful avoidant folks can have difficulty identifying and regulating their emotions because they didn't have a consistent or a helpful mirror for them. They didn't have anyone to look to to say, should I be worried about this?

[00:33:32] Okay, you're not worried. So I guess I shouldn't be worried or. You are very upset. So now I know that this is a upsetting or or scary situation.

[00:33:40] I also think it's important to talk about a, a style of attachment that I just think doesn't get enough credit, doesn't get enough airtime, is not talked about nearly enough, and that is earned secure attachment. If I could put it simply, all hope is not lost. A lot of times when I'm talking about attachment with the folks that I work with, if they notice that they tend to be more anxiously attached or more avoidantly attached, they feel like, well, great. What does this mean for me? What hope is there for me to have a happy and successful relationship?

[00:34:14] It's important to know that earned secure attachment is possible. So what in the world is that? Earned secure attachment is when a person experiences early insecure attachment that eventually becomes secure through later healthy relationships. So maybe as a child, they were more anxiously or avoidantly attached because of the dynamics that they were witnessing or experiencing with their caregivers.

[00:34:39] You know, with those attachment figures. And later on they get to experience some really healthy and supportive friendships or partnerships or, you know, relationships with neighbors, coworkers, whoever those attachment figures may become and get to know that, yeah, I actually am worthy of being treated well, and there are people [00:35:00] in this world who I can trust to treat me well.

[00:35:03] And so as a result of this newfound security earned secure attachment, folks can lead healthier, more fulfilling lives and relationships similarly to those who have always been securely attached from infancy throughout their whole adulthood. Again, that's why I say all hope is not lost. It is absolutely possible to develop earned secure attachment.

[00:35:27] Some of the ways to do that is experiencing that emotional support and connection in your relationships, and so that it, it gives you the opportunity to revise that belief or that that expectation that I can't depend on anyone. I. I shouldn't depend on anyone. I'm not worthy of having supportive people in my life.

[00:35:47] We have to rewrite that and we rewire the way our brains think of ourselves and other people, which allows yourself to just develop some trust. And get comfortable relying on others for emotional support, for closeness, for validation, those sorts of things. It's also helpful to spend some time kind of making sense of your past experiences to recognize what those experiences or how those experiences impacted you.

[00:36:16] It helps you gain some new perspective and just kind of process any of the emotions that may be attached to those experiences. Recognizing that your parents' ability or inability. To be accessible, responsive, and engaged with you was not necessarily a reflection of you or your worth or your value, that maybe they were stressed or overwhelmed or they didn't have healthy models of this for themselves.

[00:36:42] Now, it doesn't mean that we have to excuse the way that you were treated or mistreated. It does mean that maybe we get some additional perspective and insight and can recognize. The issue was never that you were undeserving of love and affection and care. It was never that. It might've been that the people around you, the people tasked with caring for you, were either unable or unwilling for their own reasons, that again, have nothing to do with your inherent worth or value.

[00:37:15] Part of that work to, on that journey to earn security is also altering how you see yourself. You know, again, if you have a more negative sense of self or a more negative self perception, really coming to rework your thoughts or rewire your thoughts around your worth and your value. That may also lead to some deliberate changes in your thought patterns and in your behaviors.

[00:37:42] Again, like I said, we tend to seek out relationships or partnerships that align with what we expect, what we believe about ourselves and about others, and about relationships, and so we have to make some really deliberate and conscious choices that, you know what? I am not going to make assumptions about why my partner is not answering the phone or why they haven't called me back.

[00:38:06] I'm going to choose to believe the best about the situation and wait until they have a chance to explain that to me, or I'm not going to continue tolerating someone's inconsistency because I actually know that I deserve. Consistent love and affection. And so even though it hurts, and even though I'm, I'm going to be asking myself or I'm afraid that I'll end up asking myself.

[00:38:29] What if I never find someone else to love me or care about me? What if this really is as good as it gets for me? I am going to make the conscious and deliberate choice to seek better because I want better to seek different because I want different. It may be relaxing your boundaries. It may be enforcing your boundaries, whatever that change might need to be for you.

[00:38:53] It can also be really helpful to find emotional support and an alternative attachment figure. Maybe your parents were not reliable to provide that connection and provide that security that you wanted, that you needed, that you deserved as a child, but maybe you have a grandparents, an aunt, an uncle, a friend, a partner who can offer that emotional support and security for you.

[00:39:18] Again, learning that oh, I really can have happy, healthy relationships where I am treated well. Maybe in relationship A, I'm not being treated well, but over here in relationship B, I'm being treated incredibly well. I'm very connected to this person. I trust them. They trust me. They've proven that I can trust them.

[00:39:39] And so, you know what? I want more of my relationships to look like relationship B. Just because you didn't have that security as a child does not mean that all hope is lost for you. It does not mean that you'll never experience those secure relationships that you desire. I. You can absolutely find those things in other people.[00:40:00]

[00:40:00] Sometimes seeing a therapist can be really helpful for this as well, especially a therapist who is trained or practices emotionally focused therapy, which is a lot of that is rooted in attachment theory can be really helpful to, again, spend some time unpacking and exploring those beliefs, those values, those expectations, the way you see yourself, the way you see other people, all of those things.

[00:40:24] And getting a chance to kind of practice connecting with someone and developing trust in someone. Trust is a really, really, really important part of any relationship you have with a therapist. And so it gives you an opportunity to recognize, okay, someone might be there for me af. After all, does that mean that the relationship between you and your therapist will be perfect?

[00:40:46] Nope. That's true of any attachment figure in your life, and so it could even be helpful to practice kind of navigating disappointments when your therapist has upset you. Those sorts of things. Ending the connection or ending your work with a particular therapist if you recognize that actually this isn't helpful, or actually, unfortunately, I'm being mistreated by my therapist as well.

[00:41:09] You know, it's all about. Earning that earned security, that's rewiring and reworking how you think about yourself, about other people, and about relationships. I hope this has been helpful for you. I know it's a lot, a lot, a lot of information. Feel free to listen to it again and again. If you need to slow it down, take notes, pause it wherever you need to do.

[00:41:36] If nothing else, I hope that you leave this episode or leave this conversation knowing that you are. Absolutely worthy and deserving of love, of happiness, of safety, of security, of healthy, happy relationships. You deserve that. It is possible for you. It might take some work, it might take some change. It may be difficult and not, but, and it is absolutely possible for you.

[00:42:14] If you have questions about attachment theory or attachment styles, as always, please feel free to share those with us. I would love to get to know a little bit more about how these things are kind of showing up in your life. Of course, I have to leave you with some sort of personal practice, some way to kind of drive this home and make this real for you if you are a journaler, whether that's.

[00:42:38] Writing, voice journaling, sticky notes all over your wall, or mirror drawing, whatever the case may be, any way that you kind of process your thoughts and feelings outside of your head. I encourage you to really think about what have your attachment experiences been like? What was it like for you as a child when you were seeking your parents' attention or connection?

[00:43:01] Was that easy for you to obtain? Were they consistent and reliable in that area? Were they not? How has that impacted how you show up and how you interact with other people, rather, friendships, relationships, all of those sorts of things. Just take some time to just reflect on that and at the end of your reflection, remind yourself again that you are absolutely worthy and deserving.

[00:43:27] I'm gonna say it again, of love, affection, safety. Care protection and healthy, happy relationships. Sit with that. Let that soak in for you. As always, thank you so much for tuning in. Until next time.

[00:43:52] Thank you for tuning in to From The Heart Side Out, hosted by See the Sex Lady produced by Kristine Johnson of Pure Pod Vibes. I. And music by Rico, the artist. If you enjoyed this episode or learned something new, make sure to subscribe, rate and review on your platform of choice and don't forget to share with a friend so they can learn something too.

[00:44:18] I'd love to hear your thoughts about this episode. Please send any comments or questions to podcast at see the sex lady.com. That's podcast at cee the sex lady.com. Until next time, keep loving living and leading from the heart side out.